


shinji "crying and masturbating" ikari

by jazspers



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 04:21:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazspers/pseuds/jazspers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>kind of self explanatory</p>
            </blockquote>





	shinji "crying and masturbating" ikari

**Author's Note:**

> what do you even title this fuck butt
> 
> i wrote this 4 months ago

Footsteps echoed deep and hollow as the door came to a gentle close behind him. Shinij could just barely make out the trace thuds along the wood as they grew fainter and fainter, Misato’s presence growing farther away from him with each passing second. There was a usual sense of melancholy with each whispered good night, where Shinij would be calmed by her voice, rough yet nurturing as family should be, despite the fact that the two of them were merely bound by a common destiny. Perhaps that’s what all family really was though, human beings bound by common blood forced to enjoy each others’ company because they’re all your given in life. He wouldn’t know, he’d never had one. The closest Shinji had to a family was the woman who whispered him to sleep like a child and the girl who saw him as nothing more than an insect sleeping in the next bed over. Maybe this was family, but if it was he couldn’t say he understood the appeal.

This night seemed slightly off, though. There was a pause in the fading footsteps and an extra pause in the typical good night, as Misato hesitantly wondered if it was really alright to leave Shinji as he was. Silent, blank, empty, his mind and mouth produced nothing more than incoherent thrown together phrases that couldn’t quite grow up into full out thoughts because there wasn’t even a point in thinking, being, existing at all. His body weighed down heavily, skin stuck like rubber with painted on clothing that itched as he turned over in his bed, sticky from sweat even though his own skin felt ice cold and dry and dead. A tape recorder played a melody through his ears that he didn’t even hear but he still couldn’t bring himself to shut it off because if he lost that he was certain he could hear the gruesome, macabre crackle of bone in his hands like a crack in the very sky itself and the blood he spilled would pour through it if he dared to listen. No, the endlessly looping vision was enough for him, the silent plop of a cold, lifeless body becoming lost in the deep red sending tremors into his very core. The flesh on his left hand seared as it shook violently and compulsively, as if it were trying to run away from the guilt now embedded into every pore. Under every fold and crease there was a trace of Kaworu’s life that dug into his skin and ate through muscles like termites gnawing their way through. Each cell that coursed through his arm groaned agonizingly, their existences now as feeble and meaningless as his own. In this arm that now threatened to tear itself off was the last remaining life of Kaworu Nagisa. It shook and bent and begged and pleaded to run and hide in terror because it was just so agonizing for Shinji to be attached to what he had destroyed but it remained intact, sobbing as the boy rolled over on his arm to muffle the pained cries.

Whispers soft and sweet that he cherished so dearly for a single night felt as fragile as life itself, the sound of even his own name muttered on pale lips seeming unreal, as if his entire existence had been nothing more than a fleeting dream. Perhaps it would have been better that way, for if Shinji had never tasted such a sweet fruit he could never miss the succulent taste, nor could he feel the stinging bitterness of crushing the fruit under his heel. If he closed his eyes a form could almost be made out, hair as white as an angels, eyes that shone like diamonds even through the depths of hell itself, a place Shinji had fallen to more times than he could count. Such a brief memory floated away with the breeze and behind his eyelids was nothing but a sheer pitch black that engulfed him in fatigue, and suddenly his heavy body felt as if it were fading away.

There was a slight twitch in his neck as Shinji opened his eyes in a panic, jerking his head towards the hand he felt clasp around his own. A kiss placed gently on his fingers by lips pale and pink that shimmered slightly in the moonlit night. Slender, calloused fingers intertwined with his own as the living, breathing body before him took a seat on the corner of the bed with a smile full of stars and maybe even the sun itself. Shinji’s mouth lay agape, empty like his head that refused to think because if he so much as questioned this moment it would probably flat away, just like every other. Kaworu brought a hand to his face and stroked his thumb down Shinji’s cheek, chuckling at the small hairs that had barely started to grow, and grasped his chin. Shinji blushed profusely, with quivering lips and eyes that held back floodgates of emotions. No, now wasn’t the time for pain, it was the time to taste the sweet nectar on Kaworu’s lips for everything it was worth, and so he did, again and again until Kaworu found himself unsatisfied with simply this. He rose his head slowly, and the slightest of whimpers formed in the back of Shinji’s throat, as if to scream “no, not yet" or “please don’t ever leave again", and Kaworu understood it well. He bit at the cord attached the cassette player and pulled, whispering sweet words on love and consolation until they became all that Shinji could hear inside his empty little head. Echoed words of confirmation that yes, he was important, he was useful, he was wanted, all bounced around his head and into his veins like a tidal wave and his entire body felt warm when pressed against another.

The buttons on his shirt had all been undone slowly and carefully and Kaworu placed sweet kisses down his thin, boney stomach. Of course, Kaworu wouldn’t complain that there wasn’t enough muscle, or that he didn’t eat enough, or that his skin was too pale or that the way he squirmed under each light touch that tickled his sensitive skin was anything other than endearing. No, Kaworu didn’t have to speak, he just had to let his hands caress every inch of Shinji’s body to let him know that there was someone right here who wanted him to be alive, who relished the warmth of his skin and the beating of his heart. Kaworu’s thumbs wormed their way around the elastic of Shinji’s boxers and he looked up with a small pout on his face because of course he had to ask permission but he didn’t really want to. Shinji gave a shaky nod, his heartbeat drumming in his ears and he could have sworn it was going to burst through his chest as Kaworu’s long fingers wrapped around him, stroking slow and gentle as Shinji was scared of course, with experience in these endeavors limited to longer showers after walking in on Asuka changing. Any other hands on him were foreign and frightening for Shinji, who’s heart remained a glass case sitting on a table corner, just waiting for someone to carelessly knock it over and allow its contents to spill over the floor without a second thought. Of course Kaworu was more careful than that, waiting until the shivers in his spine stopped and his hips pushed into Kaworu’s hand begging softly and quietly for more. Shinji’s breath rumbled in his throat, his teeth clenched almost as tightly as his fists as they crumbled the sheets under him. His breathing was heavy and labored, with one part fear and two parts emotion that threatened to erupt from inside him and his fragile heart became little more than a time bomb waiting patiently for the coil that Kaworu was winding tightly to spring forth.

His head grew lighter and his body hunched forward as he got closer and closer to the edge of the cliff, the choked sobs in throat saying “please Kaworu push me over and let me drown in you an eternity". Tears fell from his eyes as his voice grew slightly above a whisper and he implored Kaworu to move faster and faster before his body caved in on itself. Silently he obeyed, moving until finally the coil snapped in two and everything Shinji held in his chest, the pain and the pleasure, the sweet nectar and the bitter rind of forbidden fruit intermingled and for the briefest of moments Shinji felt pure, unbridled elation. He wiped the tears that streamed down his face to look at the angel in front of him and stopped. A pillow smacked him on the side of the head, light, but hard enough to shake him to his senses, and suddenly Kaworu was gone.

"I don’t really care if you wanna play the one man hokey pokey, but could you at least go do it in the bathroom!?"

Asuka turned over in her bed, shoving another pillow over her head and muttering words of disdain and disgust. Shinji look down at his bed, with sheets crumbled and sticky and sweaty and nothing left of himself but the mess Kaworu had left him in his left hand. He grabbed a tissue off the nightstand and took a quick moment to clean himself up before draping his body over the sheets again. That night, his body had never felt so cold.


End file.
